If you're a teenager, hearing someone tell you to "just be yourself" has to be one of the most vomit-inducing pieces of advice imaginable. We've all been teenagers at some point. We've all experienced the awkwardness, the social struggles, the constant comparisons, and the seemingly impossible task of figuring out who we actually are. So when an adult comes along and tells you to "just be yourself," what are you supposed to do with that? How can you be yourself when you don't even know who that is yet?
But here's the intriguing, and perhaps frustrating part: The people giving this advice are actually completely correct, and nowhere is this more relevant than in college admissions. I would argue that one of the most important things a student can do to improve their chances of getting into a highly selective college is to embrace what makes them genuinely unique.
The problem is that we spend so much time telling students what colleges want them to be that we rarely give them the opportunity to discover who they actually are. That's where I believe tutors, teachers, and mentors have an incredibly important role to play. As the founder of a tutoring company, I've made helping students discover their own strengths, interests, and identities a central part of my approach to education. Not just because it's good for their confidence and personal development, although it absolutely is, but because it's one of the best things we can do to help them succeed in college admissions. Here's why.
The Strategy That Keeps Failing Students
There's a strategy that I think has been drilled into just about every student's head, and it goes something like this:
Figure out what the person evaluating you wants to see, and then do your absolute best to become that person. When it comes to college admissions, how many times have you heard someone talking about what admissions officers are "looking for"? Take these classes. Join these clubs. Play this sport. Volunteer for this organization. Write your essay about this particular kind of experience. And if you can just check enough of those boxes, congratulations! You've successfully manufactured the perfect college applicant.
There's just one problem. Everyone else is trying to follow the exact same formula. What you end up with is thousands of students presenting remarkably similar versions of themselves, all hoping that some tiny numerical advantage will be enough to separate them from the competition.
"I got a 35 on the ACT, and this other student got a 34, so clearly I'm getting into Princeton and they're not." Yeah, I'm sorry, but that's not how college admissions work. Don't get me wrong. Grades, academic rigor, and standardized test scores absolutely matter. But especially at highly selective institutions, being academically qualified is only part of the equation.
Yale University, for example, explicitly states that while academic strength is its first consideration, the qualitative components of an application help distinguish students. Admissions officers want to understand a student's interests, personal qualities, and potential contributions to their campus community. In other words, getting outstanding grades and test scores can help establish that you're capable of succeeding at a university. But what makes you someone that university actually wants to have on campus?
That's where your individuality becomes so important. If your entire application is just a collection of activities you pursued because someone told you they would look good, you're missing an enormous opportunity to show admissions officers something genuinely interesting about yourself.
The same goes for college essays. Yale's admissions office encourages students to write openly about experiences and interests that actually matter to them. Its guidance emphasizes that an applicant's perspective and personal voice are far more important than finding some supposedly perfect essay topic. Admissions officers are trying to get to know an actual human being. So how do we help students become that person?
Step 1: Stop Trying to Become What Colleges Want
The first thing I try to do when working with students is dismantle the idea that they need to mold themselves into some predetermined version of the perfect college applicant. Because it's simply not true. There's no universal formula for the ideal extracurricular schedule, personality, or set of interests, and the more time students spend trying to reverse-engineer what they think admissions officers want, the less time they spend discovering what actually makes them interesting.
What's especially fascinating is that researchers are increasingly making this exact argument. In June 2026, Harvard's Making Caring Common project, in collaboration with NACAC, published a report called Turning the Tide in 2026: Preparing Students for Lives of Caring and Purpose. Drawing on conversations with college admissions leaders, the report argues that we shouldn't expect teenagers to have already identified one defining passion or purpose. Instead, parents, educators, and colleges should help students explore what they find meaningful, identify their values, and understand how those values connect to their educational goals.
I couldn't agree more. Think about how ridiculous it is that we sometimes expect a 16-year-old to have their entire life's purpose figured out just so they can present a compelling narrative on a college application. At 16, you're supposed to be figuring things out! And that's precisely what I want my students to understand. You don't need to know exactly who you're going to become. You just need to start giving yourself permission to find out.
Step 2: Build Confidence To Build A Resumé
Here's something I've noticed working with students. They're constantly being told what they need to improve. Their teachers want better grades. Their parents want better study habits. Their coaches want better performance. Their college counselors want stronger applications. And don't even get me started on social media, where it seems like every other teenager is somehow maintaining a 4.0 GPA, running a nonprofit, playing three varsity sports, and curing cancer in their spare time.
It's exhausting! When students are constantly receiving messages about everything they should be doing better, it can become incredibly difficult for them to appreciate everything they're already doing well. If students don't believe in themselves, how can we expect them to confidently pursue their own interests and ambitions?
A 2022 meta-analysis examining 144 studies involving more than 79,000 students found that students' sense of competence was the strongest of three psychological needs associated with self-determined academic motivation. The researchers also found that supportive relationships with teachers play an important role in fostering motivation.
In other words, helping students feel capable is connected to the very things that help them succeed academically. That's why confidence-building is such a central part of how I approach tutoring at Purpose Tutoring.
Of course, there's always room for improvement. I'm absolutely going to tell a student when something needs work, but I make a conscious effort to recognize everything they're already doing right, and to frame constructive feedback around what they're capable of accomplishing next. Because these are often incredibly hardworking students who are already doing so many things well. Sometimes they just need someone to help them recognize that.
What does any of this have to do with college admissions? Everything! A student who believes in their abilities is more likely to have the confidence to pursue challenging opportunities, develop their own interests, and take ownership of their education. Instead of constantly asking, "What am I supposed to do to impress people?" they can start asking, "What am I actually interested in accomplishing?"
Step 3: Give Students Room to Experiment
This might be the most important piece of the puzzle. If we want students to discover what makes them unique, we actually have to give them opportunities to explore different things. And I don't just mean the activities that traditionally look impressive on college applications.
I love Model UN. I think it's a fantastic opportunity for students who enjoy international relations, public speaking, and learning about the world. But you know what? It's not for everyone. Neither is playing a varsity sport, joining student government, or participating in any of the other extracurricular activities that students are so frequently encouraged to pursue.
What if a student is really into birds? Or art? Or computers? What if they're fascinated by something so incredibly niche that most of their classmates have never even heard of it? That's awesome! Let's explore that! Maybe the student who loves birds starts participating in local wildlife conservation projects. Maybe the student who loves art develops a portfolio of work that reflects a genuinely unique perspective. Maybe the student who loves computers starts building something that solves a problem they care about.
Maybe they try something and discover that they don't actually like it. That's great, too! The goal isn't to immediately identify some magical passion that guarantees admission to Harvard. The goal is to give students opportunities to learn about themselves.
A 2019 literature review published in Educational Psychology Review examined 111 studies on how schools influence adolescent identity development. The researchers found that schools and educators can intentionally support students' identity development by providing opportunities for exploration, reflection, and meaningful learning experiences. Supportive educational environments were also identified as important conditions for this process.
I'd much rather work with a student who has spent years developing an unusual interest they're genuinely passionate about than one who has collected a dozen extracurricular activities solely because they thought colleges would like them. The first student has something meaningful to talk about. They have experiences that have shaped them, challenges they've chosen to overcome, and interests that distinguish them from other applicants! They're not trying to convince an admissions officer that they're interesting. They're simply sharing what they've actually done. That is a far more compelling way to stand out!
The Best College Admissions Strategy Starts Long Before the Application
At the end of the day, I think we spend far too much time asking how we can make students more appealing to colleges. We should be asking how we can help them become more confident, capable, curious, and independent people. Those two goals aren't nearly as separate as we sometimes make them out to be.
Helping a student discover their interests can lead to meaningful extracurricular involvement. Helping them build confidence can give them the courage to pursue opportunities they otherwise might have avoided. Helping them recognize their strengths can give them the foundation to write college essays that actually sound like them. Helping them develop a stronger sense of identity can make the entire college admissions process feel less like a performance and more like an opportunity to share who they've become.
That's the philosophy I try to bring into every tutoring session at Purpose Tutoring. Yes, I want my students to earn outstanding grades. Yes, I want them to crush the SAT and ACT. And yes, I absolutely want to help them get into incredible colleges. But in order to do that, they need to discover what genuinely excites them, and build the confidence to pursue their own ambitions.
Ultimately, the students who are going to accomplish extraordinary things in this world are the ones who discovered what makes them unique and had the confidence to embrace it. So maybe "just be yourself" really is good advice after all. But instead of telling students to be themselves, let's start helping them discover who that person actually is.